Let this be a post for all of you that have experienced the loss of a partner whether you were married or not. Life after the death of a partner feels like the air got sucked out of every room your in. Your world shook and fell apart a beyond compare! One moment you’re there with the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and the next they’re just gone. There gone and that’s means you can’t fix your last fight, you can’t change your last words, and in some situations maybe you can’t even remember theirs but now you’re just here alive with no real closure!
Just writing about it reminds me of how blank I was when it first happened. How at the time there was a fog over me and I didn’t quite know what to do next. It didn’t feel real but I wasn’t asleep either. It was a real life nightmare that happened out of the blue with no warning. Then all of a sudden, all of my husband and my problems were wiped clean but I was just left sitting there alone with a whole new set of struggles. All things I don’t think anyone can ever really be prepared for. Allow me to share with you some things I learned along my journey of widowhood. It is when we reach the point that I am at that I think it’s important to use our experience for those that need it most. Which is exactly why I have added this section to my blog for other partners that have lost their partner. We maybe alone physically but when we look around us you’d be surprised how many people share our struggle and don’t even look like it. A smile on the face can appear so true but underneath it all you never really know what that person is going thru. I hope my experience shared below serves you well in your journey. Whether you are new to the path in front of you or have been here for a while it helps when someone tosses us some bumpers along our path!
What I didn’t know then but that I do now:
• First and foremost, you are not alone there are many of us out there that are experiencing similar struggles.
• People suck, I hate to say this as a life coach but it is the truth they just really really suck sometimes! They don’t mean to but when it comes to what we are currently experiencing they just don’t get any stage of our grief because they have not experienced it! They will try and some days they will get it right on what we need but a lot of times they will fail. They don’t mean to but it does happen because no one not even ourselves know what we really need until we find it! Find acceptance in their lack of experience and no matter how badly what they say or do hurts when they try to be there for you just be happy for them that they don’t understand because no one should ever have to. The path of a partner that lost their partner to death is no easy road.
• Healing takes time so remember, “You are not in a race. There is no timeline on grief no matter what anyone tells you!” Repeat after me, “ I will move at my own pace because my healing and life is for no one else but me, myself and I.”
• This is a big one that people don’t always allow themselves the chance to process. Please recognize you’re not just grieving your partner! You had more skin in the game than that! Allow yourself time to also grieve all your other losses! This does not make you selfish you are human and the loss of your partner is unfortunately the point of break but not the only loss. Secondary losses need to be grieved as well and these include but are not limited to the dreams you shared, the goals you had, the inside jokes you’ll never share again, the person you got to be with them, the person you wanted to be when you were with them, your old life, the person you grew into with them and so many more. If I were to list these losses we would be here for years because there really are so many. Please allow yourself the time you need to grieve for all of them.
• All of the firsts without your partner hurts whether you like it or not and you can run from them or you can face them but no matter what choice you make eventually you will have to face each of them whether you do them now or later. So, pace yourself and allow yourself the time you need to take in each step you make. Be patient with yourself, do each of these things when you are ready! I repeat “WHEN YOU ARE READY” Do not allow anyone including yourself to push yourself through the process!
• Recording your process, there are parts of the process you are going through that you may not remember, so get a journal. Hell get 20 if you need to because trust me if you’re anything like me that’s what you’ll end up with. Bits of paper every where journals started never finished. The scatter brain and the brain fog you are feeling is real! I didn’t think it was but it broke me in ways I can’t express! The mind I had before the incident and after are very different. Write everything down that you can or what to remember because it’s important. By the time I found myself a new place to live I had boxes of mail and paper that had all been written on that I had to piece together and it was quite the emotional roller coaster. So, if you can manage to keep one journal be proud of yourself but if you can’t know shit happens! You got this, I promise!
• Emotions are high during the whole process it just depends on the trigger that starts the break down or tear fest. The tears never stop until they are ready. So, do your best to compartmentalize in the moments you have to like at work or in situations where you need more focus. Something I did that really helped me in between working 5 jobs and jumping around surviving was allowing myself time every day to just cry or feel any emotion that was breaking me at the time. Time when I was by myself so I could really feel it and if I had to hit a pillow or cry till I couldn’t anymore. During my lunch break I used to cry the whole time then clear my eyes and get back after it then once I got back to the car I’d cry again. I would even scream in my car sometimes with my hand over my mouth to keep it lower just to release the anger or bad energy. If you do not do this or something to better manage these moments you will crumble at every moment. Like when you see something that reminds you of them. When you see something that doesn’t remind you of them. You will tear up at every happy event or sad it doesn’t matter. Consider yourself an untapped hose that has no end of water and is triggered by any little thing to just leak at any time. 5 and a half years later and I don’t allow myself time to feel every day but I do at least once or twice a week. Sometimes more depending what the date is. Take time out for the bad days, do not push yourself to take on more than you can bare especially when you know your too over- whelmed because you’ve already dealt with enough don’t put yourself through more stress than your already dealing with.
• At some point down the road connections and bonds you may not understand then will happen and that does not make you a monster. I warn you to be real with yourself and careful with who you trust your heart to though not everyone is always kind. People are out there looking to take advantage of us in our time of struggle. Although though if you find someone that is genuine along your journeys don’t punish yourself for being a widow! You deserve all this life has to offer and a wise widow once told me we honor our partners by living on. They don’t want us to give up, roll over or die they want us to live! So, be free to be the best version of yourself at any given moment!
• The people you start this journey with may not be the ones that stick around. The reality is most people can’t face our life or the struggles we face. They can’t emotionally handle the roller coaster we are on. It scares them and makes them see things that they can’t unsee. Don’t be mad at them for it, just wish them well and keep on moving forward for yourself with or without them. Maybe in the future they will come back or maybe they will not that is up to you later. The truth here is the only person you really need in this moment is you! Keep your focus on your self-care and wellness. That is where your attention is needed right now for you are the only one that can help yourself to survive this pain and grief. Focus on what you need first then gradually all you want and desire as need be.
• Don’t be shy reach out to other widows, join a group whether it is online or in person. I just can not express how lost I would have been during this process if I didn’t have as many widow friends or family. I consider myself blessed for the widows I had around me and then when it is your time to do the same for others step up because your experience can make a difference! My experience broke me to the core but here I am all these years later taking all that negativity and sharing my experience for others like myself. No two widows have the same experience or journey but we all know and learn in time what it feels like when things settle. When we suddenly find ourselves left standing alone facing this great big world dazed and confused! In this time you can have a whole room full of support but if no one in that room gets it they can’t help, they can’t hear you or see you for where you are. Although, a room full of others that get the struggle they can help you and see you the way you may need to be seen or heard in that moment and that can be priceless.
Well those are today’s tips for any new or old widow / widower or person that has lost their partner before marriage. To me we are all the same some may feel different but when you love someone and you plan to spend your life with them and they pass or you have to walk away before they do because they are on a self destructive mission they’re is no words or actions that can separate the two in my eyes. It is a pain like no other with exception of perhaps losing a child or someone you helped raised. This life is not for the weak of hearts but we are all only human and with that being said I hope you are kind enough to yourself to recognize that on all your bad days! I know I’ve had them and forgot at times so allow this to be your reminder because we all need to every so often.
As always, I hope this post finds you well but leaves you more motivated and inspired. Best wishes to you along this journey it is not an easy one but I have faith you will persevere in your own time when you least expect it. Take all that love in your heart that doesn’t have a place to go and give it to yourself because you need it right now and that is not selfish! It is self preservation and when you have something like this happen to you life changes in many ways. In these moments you need all the support and love you can get to get through it. Don’t short change yourself !! Thank you for viewing Rise With Riley and I can only hope you to find your way to rise today and always. ~ Certified Life Coach S Riley
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