My trip back to yesteryear was a hard pill to swallow at at first but I did it. I fought all the anxiety and grief then walked right out the door got in the car. I drove an hour and fifteen minutes away to pick up my other widow friend all to go to the South Florida Fair. For the first time in 6 years I finally found the strength to go back!
It was a blast, I have to say we didn’t really take a second before we jumped right in on the shows, the food or shopping at the many different shops! We even found a great little speakeasy which since we were hot as hell walking around was great. It was a dark cool room that we could just kick back and chill in for a bit before going back out into the sun. The fair has def changed a lot over the years. I wish I could say for the better but honestly it felt as if maybe I’m not the only one that left the fair years ago. My friend Bonnie also hasn’t been in a while since her partner passed away so you can say it was a widows day out for sure! We both faced some feelings on this adventure and I’m happy we did it together! There is no one I would have rather face this step with than her for sure!
Bonnie is also known as my sub mom cause she’s like another mom to me. One I am very lucky to have met because without her I don’t know how I would have gotten as far as I have mentally with this widow life! She has spent the last few years sharing all of her life wisdom and experience with me. For that I am very thankful and blessed especially since my mom and gram passed away so long ago it is hard getting older not having someone to ask questions to that care about your wellbeing like a mom would! So, it is nice having someone around I can ask real questions to about growing older mind body and soul wise! She is a gem on all levels and she has helped me navigate this widow life from day one through every step good or bad! I consider myself to be lucky because so many people go through this experience feeling so alone and lost! She frequently tells me how proud she is of me for my growth and how far I have come since the day Jimmy passed as well as how much quicker I was able to do things than her! However, I think sometimes she don’t realize maybe I have a drive like no other to push myself past my limitations but if it were not for her and her guidance or the guidance I had from a few other widows along the way that I also love and care for than maybe I wouldn’t be as far as I am today! We talk about putting together some type of widow vacations, hang outs and adventures all the time and honestly I think soon we may both be ready to do so! Perhaps sooner than we think if my plans moving ahead work out the way I hope!
As a widow people lose sight of who we are and sadly so do we! It’s like one day we are some strong person that is standing on our own two feet living the life we worked so hard to achieve! Then one day a strong wind comes along and knocks us down taking everything we hold dear and ripes it away from us leaving us just still looking like some wilted flower! At first we have the friends and family that are there for us but over time they move forward. The worst part is next come them expecting us to also move forward but they don’t understand the shock we are in! They just don’t get it or understand how hard it is to get out of our heads! They don’t understand to the world our partners are gone but if your anything like me now they just live in our heads more than ever! It’s not something I talk about very often because somedays it makes me feel crazy but Jimmy dead as he is narrates and comments on every part of my day most days! We don’t people watch from my car any more or from our balcony because he is not physically here but now instead we do it from inside my head! I share my mind with him most days everything he would say if he could say anything he says within my mind ! Every time I do something he would ordinarily warn me not to do, that didn’t go away! Every time I see something he would have loved to see. I see it and think how much he would love it but isn’t here to enjoy it! Every time I do something he’s not here to do I feel a pain inside of me I can’t explain as anything but sincere grief! That’s the part people that have not experienced the lose of a spouse do not get in my opinion! While everyone’s moving ahead we are trapped fighting a ghost that’s not really there. Fighting to hear their voice, see their face, or hear their opinions as often as we can! Or perhaps even worse somedays we are fighting not to hear them, see them or feel anything about them at all because the pain of it all is too much to bear. The saddest part is when these type of fights take place within you internally there is no place to hide for us! Every where we look, everything we do, everything we say is pain and grief on levels no one understands but us!
Not all of us widows are the same, some of us just stop moving while others go full speed ahead trying to escape it all! Then there are people like me who do both! Every day is a new trial and error for me! Every minute is a new challenge of growth or a mission to find direction. Although before we can even begin to decide a direction to go in. We have a whole puzzle or maze in our head to figure out in order to move on! That’s why going to the fair was so important to me this year! None of us really know when it’s time to move forward let alone how best to face the things that haunt us most! I’m not here to tell you after Jimmy passed that I stood still because I didn’t. I ran, I stumbled, I crawled and damn near killed myself to get here! Everyday one battle after the next in my heart, mind and soul. Over the years, I have moved on in so many ways but there were things I didn’t one of them being going to the fair. All these years later I have moved got a new apartment, new pets, multiple new jobs, gone on many vacations and adventures big and small. Had enough time to find a new boyfriend one in which I have built quite and interesting life with! That’s a whole other saga of emotional ups and downs I am not even going to touch with a fine tooth comb right now but it happened! I even fell in love again with him which is hard for a widow to say! This life ain’t easy and the challenges that come from being a widow makes life that much harder. I am happy to say that I have been blessed with the people I have kept around me. I did lose people though just like most of us widows or widowers do. Friends Jimmy and I had, friends I had on my own that just had to many expectations of me that I could not keep up with. I’ve backed away from family many times just because for a long time I didn’t know if I was going to survive this grief. Let alone all the other reasons. Finding new friends for me has been a struggle because I can find them but in time they just don’t work out! Sometimes it’s the questions they ask that I can’t answer or I get tired of explaining. While other times it’s just their expectations of what they think I should be doing at this point in my life. Then I eventually run out of patience or would rather be by myself than have to explain myself or feel as if I have to be someone else to make others feel comfortable! Now here I am all these years later and I still don’t know how my heart hasn’t exploded yet but here I am. The struggle is real as a widow or widower it’s a dark path of many ups and downs. Not the type of life I would recommend to anyone but with time and self -love you find ways to overcome the bad days.
What I learned at the fair this year was that I need to be more proud of myself for my achievements! I need to recognize how far I really have come. I need to allow myself the right to do the things that are hard to do without running away or hiding from them because Jimmy is no longer here. I need to find it in myself to remember that maybe the wind knocked me down and took all the things I felt I needed to survive. But I still had what it took to stand up every day and in spite of all of it I survived! I still try to suck up the sun and the only reason I have not been able to raise my head up is because emotionally I have felt for so long like it was just wrong to. Like as a widow if I stood up tall and proud of where I was now then it would mean I was ready to let him go or like it may appear as if I no longer loved him or needed him! I realize now I was keeping my head down out of honor and respect for all we shared because I miss him! I miss him dearly every day he was so much more to me than a husband he was my best friend! We shared everything when my legs moved so did his so how is it that I could allow myself to not feel as if parts of me had to die with him. Grief is hard especially when you experience widow brain or survivors guilt. In my heart and soul, I know I’ll never be that woman I was before he passed. That life is over now the woman I was drifted away with him and so did all of the secondary losses that no one really ever considers or talks about. That version of me is never coming back just like he is not but yet here I am achieving all these crazy beautiful things! Mourning us both when what I really need to be doing is living the life I have left! This way so that when I get to the other side I can tell him all about how I survived and thrived without him. Not because he wasn’t here or because I now have more time to focus on me. You see for me his life and death were both as equally crippling and inspiring to me on so many levels! However in the end both inspired me to overcome so much and in many ways helped me to be the best version of myself. In spite of all the losses even on my worst day he is the voice in my head that has led me here! He is the one that tells me every morning it’s time to wake and get out of bed! He is the voice that tells me I have to move ahead and keep on going because he knows I can do it! Somedays I pull the blanket over my head and tell him go away but he still lingers and he’s not there literally every day but he is still my muse I guess. Perhaps how my brain deals with the fact that he’s not here but still knows that I need to hear his voice. One day day when I am done with all my life’s goals and dreams I will take my last breath. That day in my heart I know he will be there waiting for me with my old dog just like he told me he would be!
When we were kids he was pretty reckless and quite the bad boy on many levels but as time went on he grew into an amazing man, husband, a son, a brother, uncle and workaholic that worked his ass off to always do the right thing in spite of his own struggles. Although, he always told me one day he would pass before me. I always brushed him off and told him he was not allowed but he always told me after he did him and our dog who he referred to as Mr. puppy who also passed away would be waiting for me on the other side to tell me all about his adventures patiently waiting for me to also tell him mine. I think that’s why it’s time for me to take his very loving and supportive words as permission to go on because he didn’t want me to die with him, he wanted me to live. A very wise woman also a widow recently commented about part 1 of my post saying “S Riley this is beautiful! I’m so proud of you and I know Jimmy is too. Enjoy the fair because that’s exactly what he wants you to do. We honor our husbands by living well.” I also had another wise widow comment with “You hit the nail on the head here! I read your post and wish I was going to the fair too!” Then she went on to share her experience and how she also is trying to do a similar thing as me! The reality is maybe as a widow a part of us died with our partners but we as widows or widowers need for our own wellbeing to find a balance in order to survive. Take all the time you need to be the wilted flower you are still strong. As well as beautiful inside and out but when it comes time that you realize it’s time for you to allow yourself more please don’t stand in your own way! Nourish yourself with love and self-care. Treat yourself to the things that bring you joy and make you happy! We only have one life to live and at times it may feel as if in our one life we have lived many but time is precious. We deserve anything and everything this world has to offer us whether it’s thing we want, need or desire! So, go out there and take it all! Don’t feel ashamed for being the strong person you are it does not negate what you have lost or even things you have had. This life gives us the opportunity to be who ever it is we want to be and we can either chose to sulk in one place forever miserable in grief or we can choose to thrive because the only one stopping us from doing either is us. Love yourself enough to live the rest of your life the way you would have wanted to if they were here or live it the best way you can now that they are not but either way just don’t give up or settle with less because they are not here! Not to be corny or anything for those that may catch the reference but live long and prosper people you deserve happiness even on the bad days! Allow yourself the opportunity of growth and prosperity you deserve all this life has to offer you.
This concludes my 2 part Bittersweet Growth and I thank you for your viewing, any reviews, comments, questions, shared stories or experience you place below. It’s important to recognize just as Bonnie and I got out to that fair and supported each other that we can all find that same type of support in our peers. Just like the other women that gave me their thoughts on my last post we are all widows supporting widows and together we are not alone. I hope you can find someone like I did that can also take these hard steps with you! Someone that can sit with you in the dark when you feel alone or lost. I hope this post finds you well and yet again leaves you more inspired and or motivated than you were before. Have a blessed day! 🩷 – Certified Life Coach S Riley
Life Is Too Short to Waste! EMPOWER Yourself to Pursue the Life You Most DESIRE! 