The feeling in the pit of my stomach is despair and grief beyond belief but the joy I feel in my soul is just too great to allow negativity to hinder my growth anymore!
The picture here to the right is one of my husband and I back in 2018 at the South Florida Fair. I’m sure many married couples find all different ways to celebrate their marriage anniversary but my late husband and I were a little less traditional. As to where most would go to dinner or take a vacation, we spent all year long waiting and planning to have enough money to go to the south Florida fair. Kinda sounds like some old time love story but for us it was ours! It always made us laugh so hard how much it meant to us. You would think we would be excited to go because of the rides but no that wasn’t really our thing. Our favorite part was the food, the shows and we always wrapped up our walk through the fair part with me crying at the animal auction because I wanted to buy all the livestock because they were too cute to be bought for food! So, I would sit there and name them until Jimmy my late husband would say “Okay I think you’ve named enough of them let’s get some ice cream!” 😂🥰 Then we would walk through all the little tables and venders inside the buildings to see what type of fun things we could buy! We would always come home with the craziest stuff! It was fun by the time we were done we usually spent from like 10 am to 10 pm there just eating and yet some how we would go home sick and still find room to eat our candy apples and cotton candy in bed while watching a movie before bed! It brought us so much joy doing these simple little things!
When he passed though I just couldn’t bring myself to go back again! Between the grief, survivor’s guilt, and the fact that every time I saw it come around I would just cry my eyes out and be sick to my stomach! Emotionally, I just have not been able to bring myself to go. As a widow you can say defeating this hurdle is definitely at the top of my to do list in order to allow myself to move forward even if it is only one more step. It’s crazy how as a widow some things can really break you to the core and others you find yourself just so numb inside that you just grind through the pain. Some readers may not get the struggle here but to the ones that understand or have experienced similar experiences you may get it. Which is why I decided to write this post because in reality emotionally my anniversary is once again about to be here which always brings up the saddest emotions but this year I don’t want them to beat me! I don’t want this to be another year I let life pass me by not doing the things I love simply because he’s not here to enjoy them with me! This is a challenge that I need I find the strength to face. So, here I an challenging myself to do so putting my plan out into the universe. All so I can feel as if I released the grief and sadness about it now in hopes maybe it will help me later to make room for the joy I plan to have in spite of it when I take this huge leap and go back this next Sunday! That’s right I bought some tickets and I am going back.
That’s right I said it Hell or High water Im dipping my feet in those hard emotions rain or shine and I’m pushing myself over this hump! This definitely is not the first time I have had to force myself to make steps in a new direction or even in an old one but this is definitely a pretty big one for me! When my husband passed away he had fair ticket stubs in his wallet that we didn’t put in ornaments yet. That’s what we usually did before he passed we would place our ticket stubs in a clear glass ball christmas ornament every year as a tradition but that last year we never got the chance to put the new ones in a ball! I can’t tell you how many times I have taken those tickets out of his wallet and cried over them. There are so many things we didn’t get to finish and it breaks my heart cause I just can’t bring myself to finish them without him. We did everything together since we were 18 every time I had to do something without him was one more first that killed me. Still till this day, I have such a long list of things to do I just have not brought myself to accomplish.
In a way that’s why I felt this post was important to share not just for myself but for other widows struggling with the same thing. For other people that are grieving someone that they don’t know how to live without! I mean those last words seriously because so many of us build relationships with our spouses or loved ones and when they are gone at times it feels as if we had an arm or leg cut off! Now here we are god knows how long later still trying to figure out how to operate with out them! Jimmy and I had such a bond it was like we were one person for a good 12 years there. We never separated with exception of work. Even then I drove him to work and drove him home from work too! We spent our days off together, vacations together, sick days usually together, we ate together, and we really did everything in a pair! Even when we were at work, we would text all day! He would even go as far as sending me videos he called Captain logs where he would video projects he was working and give his very emotional and comical sometimes thoughts or commentary on how his day was going. He would say how he felt about the project or even who made him angry that day! Some days they made me laugh so hard that I would have actual tears. That’s the kinda love we had it was crazy beautiful but really priceless! True love can really be such a bitter sweet thing in the end.
The day I got married I asked him “ Why are you more excited about our honeymoon than you are our wedding because we waited forever to get married?” His response was “ I have considered you my wife since we were kids you are my world but getting married means we are signing up to the idea that one day one of us god willing it will be me, will die because I won’t live without you! While who ever is left behind will be left to live on without the other.” I replied with why would you say that it’s so sad and he replied “ because it’s true and I won’t be able to live with out you but your strong and you will find a way. I am taking you to places you’ve always wanted to go on our honeymoon and we are going to make beautiful memories together that as kids we never thought we could do. That’s why to me that’s what’s important because to me you are already my wife.” Back than I dismissed him but his words always stuck with me and when he passed even more than they did when he was alive. That is the thing about love when you dedicate your life to someone as beautiful as it is when it is over or gone whether it be to death, divorce, or a break up it hurts and takes time to process!
So, for any of you that read this that understand my pain or can relate in some way I can tell you along this path I have stumbled many times and I do not have most of the answers but I know in my heart that at some point we need to find a way to work past these hurdles! We need to recognize our value and worth and find acceptance in the fact that as sad as it is that our loved one is gone and can’t do these things with us. More importantly that they would not want us to stop doing them they would ultimately want us to live on and be happy! We may have lost a huge part of our life and for some of us maybe ever it felt like we did die with them that day we did not! Our life did not end and we must find a way to move forward and do the things we love! We must find away to enjoy the things we once did and instead of focusing on the pain of it all we need for our own wellbeing to thrive in those moments and embrace the beautiful memories we had with them and find the strength to do it again whether it is by ourselves or with someone else. Is there anything holding you back or that you have been wanting to do but have not been able to do for whatever reason? If there is then there is no better time then now to set a plan of action to get after it! The thing is life is too short to waste and you deserve everything and anything your heart desires! Love yourself enough today and always to live your best life! I know how hard it can be this post is a pure example of my very own struggles because we are only human but with the right amount determination, plan and the will to fight what is going on in our heads at the moment can all help us to achieve great success! That is what life is about overcoming our struggles through growth on all levels.
For an example even though I struggle so hard with my husband’s passing and doing things that remind me of him or us. This Sunday, when I go to the fair I am bringing my friend that has also been going through the same as myself. Two widows facing the same struggle together at the fair because we deserve to have fun! We deserve to move forward and prosper. I am sure we will cry and then we will laugh but I just can’t wait to go! In the end, I believe Jimmy will look down on me saying I knew she could make it without me even though I didn’t think I could, I have! That alone is something to be proud anything else positive along the way is a bonus! Thank you for reading my shared feelings in the post if you’d like to know how the experience goes tune back in next Monday for part two of this post! Until then I challenge you to do something beautiful for yourself and rise with yours truly Riley 🥰 Have a blessed day all…
Life Is Too Short to Waste! EMPOWER Yourself to Pursue the Life You Most DESIRE! 